After quite a rocky start to 2014 (fueled by too much alcohol and not enough food), I spent the first afternoon of January reflecting on what I want my life to be this year.
2013 was filled with life changes including marrying my best friend and moving to the suburbs of Chicago. All in all it has been a transition that I have thoroughly enjoyed. Quite unexpectedly, after a weekend getaway with my girlfriends to Kohler, Wisconsin, we found out I was pregnant. It was thrilling, surreal, exciting and terrifying all at once. We weren't "trying" for a baby, weren't planning on one so soon after our wedding, but all the same we embraced this new role. I obsessed over our little embryo. I ran to Walgreens for prenatal vitamins and downloaded the latest apps to make sure I was doing the right things and that the little poppy seed was on track. For three weeks I drank tons of water, ate way more fruits and veggies than I ever have before, took yoga classes and walked on the treadmill and joyfully complained to my husband about my sore, swollen boobs. The morning we were set to leave for Minnesota for Thanksgiving I woke up and felt funny. Not bad, not sick, just...void. I texted Nate that I was worried I was no longer pregnant, and he soothed my fears. I was doing everything right, I was taking care of myself and well, my one big pregnancy symptom (sore boobs) was still there. I relaxed. We spent our weekend in Minnesota telling immediate family about our news and everyone was thrilled. It was incredible to see and feel their reactions, to know that this little baby was going to be so loved.
But just as quickly as the baby came into our lives, she was gone. I woke up Monday morning to bleeding and cramping and spent Tuesday morning with an angel doctor (seriously, the man was incredible) reminding me gently that this was not my fault. That based on hormone levels it had likely happened sometime in the past week (there is something to be said for my intuition!) I was sad but walking into the doctor that morning I knew what was going on. Nate and I cried for hours as I sat in pain. I felt ok after a while. I thought I was going to be able to get through this just fine. But I wasn't fine. I was sad. Deeply sad. I never really knew how badly I wanted a baby until she stopped existing in my belly. I don't know if it is the bitter cold we've experienced so far this winter or that its just that time of year, but I can't seem to shake the heavy. And so yesterday, on the first day of a new year, when it snowed morning to night (through morning and now still), I sat down and thought about how to work through this dark time. Who do I want to be and how do I accomplish that in 2014? I read a blog today where a woman described her goals for 2014 as intentions rather than resolutions and I like that, as it affords a certain "giving oneself a break" mentality rather than something so, well, resolute. Short story long, here are my 2014 Intentions:
1. Take care of me. I always feel better when I treat myself better so for me this means: Eat more fruits and vegetables and less processed foods. Drink water. Continue and increase my Pilates and yoga practices. Start back up with cardio. Get plenty of rest. Avoid binges of anything: food, alcohol, unhealthy activities. Stick with activities that make me more peaceful (sewing, yoga, baking, etc). Give myself a break.
2. Be a good wife. Continue to evolve in this partnership with Nate that we have spent the past 7 1/2 years growing. Support him, challenge him and maybe watch the Ewok movie with him. Maybe.
3. Documenting, whether that is writing in this blog, taking more photos, listening, or being in tune with life around me rather than being sucked up in technology and distractions. Being present will only benefit me and my relationships.
4. Challenge myself with classes, books, exercises, ideas and people. Work through frustrations rather than walking away.
5. Appreciate everything. The short sweet time I spent pregnant taught me to appreciate what I have in my life. Life is far too short to spend it being bitter, angry, distracted or lost. It is important to grieve and process that appropriately but it is equally important for me to not let the weight of things I cannot control hold me back from living my life.
I hope you all have a positive experience with your intentions. Here's to the journey.
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