Sunday Scaries

My friend Nicole has aptly titled what I am feeling today as the "Sunday Scaries"...when you realize you have to work in (UGH) 17 hours and time just seems to warp by.  For me, days like this (after a night out at a friends) are pretty laden with anxiety, especially given the turn the night took.  It was uncomfortable but above all, it was sad.  And, its raining.

Today, I am bummed.

One Year Ago

We're coming up on the time one year ago that I found out I was pregnant (and a few weeks later, when I met with Dr. Moses to discover that I no longer was).  I am still in the process of fully understanding my grief over a baby that I barely had begun to know but loved so deeply, but over the past few weeks I've noticed a new trend of articles popping up on the internet...ones that suggest that maybe not sharing being pregnant right away isn't a great idea, because it makes one feel guilty or silly about a pregnancy that (as my former primary physician said) was "never meant to happen". 

I came across this article today and found it incredibly validating.  I too have questioned whether or not I want to have kids and worry about what it will be like when I do find out I am pregnant again...will I be able to have the excitement that I first had, or will my first several weeks be clouded with fear.  I can't predict the future but this article helped.

How My Miscarriage Changed My Next Pregnancy

sick in spring

Being sick is not something I have to deal with very often (thankfully!) so when it happens, I put on my big baby pants pretty fast.  Waking up this morning with a fever was almost surreal: I couldn't figure out what day it was, why I felt simultaneously hot and clammy and freezing, and HOLY CRAP I'm sick.  Working from home twice a week definitely has its perks, but being sick can really tweak those moments.  Yes - I am here, but no, I am not here.  I've spent all day in various positions on my bed and couch, with and without my t-shirt. 

This is me being a big whiny baby.  Here's to a quick turnaround and not feeling completely delirious for the big 3-1 this weekend.

where have I been

If that's not a question that goes deeper than you realize, I don't know what is.  The past two weeks have been an absolute whirlwind of highs and lows...really, particularly bad lows. 

My brain has this uncanny ability to subconsciously steer me into a trainwreck around anniversaries of bad events.  The latest was one that hadn't even crossed my mind until I started writing this blog post.  Exactly 12 years ago something awful happened after being out one night with friends.  It was unequivocally the worst day of my life and propelled into basically a 2 year not-so-graceful tightrope walk veering over into the side of depression.  I think I have gotten through it and then other life events will happen and without question, mid March I find myself in a booze fueled trip to crazy town.  Monday (St. Patrick's Day and one of my closest friend's birthday) I found myself going out to lunch to have a beer, which turned into drinks, which turned into shots, which turned into two straight hours of blackout before finding myself back at my apartment after a 50 dollar cab ride.  Unacceptable on so many levels, including (but not limited to): pissing off my husband so bad that he actually left me in the city because he couldn't reason with his blacked out wife, showing up at another friend's house and she basically kicked me out because she knew I had to go to MN the next day, drunkenly packing for a 6:30 am flight the next morning, and waking up at 5:30 AM for said flight the next day.  I barely made it on the plane and spent the next (several) days not only trying to rid myself of a terrible cold, but the terrible, post drinking blues.  The "what the hell am I doing with my life" blues. 

I've used alcohol as a crutch through tough times before but this time was different. This time I didn't even know it was a tough time and I was just spiraling.  Its just unacceptable and scary (not just for me but for Nate) and I wonder why I let myself hit bottom without actually dealing with what is bothering me. 

So it was more than time for me to put my big girl pants on this morning, get into work, get back in my routine and look up a therapist.  Its time to live up to my intentions of taking care of myself and my life.  I'll keep you updated on this progress.

*sidenote/WW update: that, at least, has been going well!  I am down 9 pounds so far and have 8 more to reach my target weight.  Hopefully by the time it actually feels like spring outside (SERIOUSLY SPRING WHERE ARE YOU?!) I will have hit this goal.  I have cute white pants to wear, after all*

Food Lately (a self-welcome to Weight Watchers)

After a trip to the doctor's office last Friday (more about that in a later post), I was shocked to hear the weight.  Shocked isn't the right word.  I was embarrassed, floored, frustrated and ashamed.  With myself.  I have never been 142.3 pounds.  Never even been close.  I don't know how I got there ... ok let's be honest.  We all know how I got there (poor diet, lack of exercise, winter blues, etc).

Either way I got back to the office and immediately signed up online for Weight Watchers.  I've signed up for this a few times before, spend about 4 days tracking food and give up.  For whatever reason this time felt different. I don't know if it was scale shock or what, but I immediately went into action.  Nate and I spent Saturday afternoon at the grocery store buying veggies, fruit, chicken breasts and more veggies.

It turns out...salads can be really good.  And when you plot stuff out, you can make some really filling, low point meals.  Working out isn't so bad when you find exercises you enjoy.  I've done Pilates and yoga and just bought Jillian Michaels Shred (upon recommendation of my aunt Meg, whose body is amazing.)

Here's a lunch and dinner from the past week.

*greek salad and crystal light*

*whole wheat toast with avocado.  egg whites with peppers and onion*

Yesterday was weigh-in day #1 - down to 137.3.  The weight loss felt good, but it felt almost as good to know that I've been satisfied instead of starving like I predicted.  

I had a lunch yesterday (anniversary/birthday combo celebration for a co-worker) and went a little overboard.  With a burger like this, how could I not?

*au cheval cheeseburger w/bacon*

I couldn't even finish half it was so amazing.  Probably not the best food to eat after a good weight loss but that's what the flex points are for, right?  That being said, my body completely rejected this decadence.  I don't need to go into further detail but my goodness.  I haven't been hungry since lunch 24 hours ago but did have this delicious fruit for breakfast.  Ruby Red Grapefruit - how did we not start this love affair sooner? 

*yum city*

2014 intentions are still a work in progress but I think I'm off to a good start!

spoiled

It is my own fault and with my head hanging in shame that I admit that my little man, Buggy, is spoiled rotten.  I buy him toys constantly, even though he destroys most of them within minutes.  The ones he doesn't destroy he lovingly kneads and sucks on like a pacifier and it is the single cutest thing I have ever seen.

seriously.

He's snuggly and sweet I would estimate a good 90% of the time.  The other 10%?  Pure brat.  And it's all our fault.  He whines and we give in to whatever he wants.  If he whined like other dogs I shut that down immediately. The problem is his whining is hysterical.  He looks so serious and then these noises come from his belly like nothing I have heard before.

Sunday, I reached a breaking point.  I was sitting on the couch watching the Golden Globes when I was interrupted by a dog who sat and STARED and WHINED at me.  No matter how many times I yelled or scolded or made him go lie down in the corner it wouldn't stop.  I was really doing my best to remain calm when a voice piped in from the other side of the room: "You know he's mad because you're in his spot."  His spot??  His spot??  This is a DOG.  He doesn't get a "spot" on the couch.  I fumed and sulked and raged in my head, and then...

I moved to the other side of the couch (I am going to be an incredible parent.)  I wanted to be mad - I really did.  I wanted to jump online and sign us up for obedience classes and really enforce the no couch rule this time, and make him realize who the boss really is.  And then I looked over and saw this.

(*)

I swear I'll be a better enforcer some day.  Til then, you know who's running the show on Scoville.

*I was doing laundry. We also have protective blankets in an effort to curb the dog hair on the couch, though I am certain Bugsy believes we put them up there to add to his comfort.

living with intention

After quite a rocky start to 2014 (fueled by too much alcohol and not enough food), I spent the first afternoon of January reflecting on what I want my life to be this year. 

2013 was filled with life changes including marrying my best friend and moving to the suburbs of Chicago.  All in all it has been a transition that I have thoroughly enjoyed.  Quite unexpectedly, after a weekend getaway with my girlfriends to Kohler, Wisconsin, we found out I was pregnant.  It was thrilling, surreal, exciting and terrifying all at once.  We weren't "trying" for a baby, weren't planning on one so soon after our wedding, but all the same we embraced this new role. I obsessed over our little embryo.  I ran to Walgreens for prenatal vitamins and downloaded the latest apps to make sure I was doing the right things and that the little poppy seed was on track.  For three weeks I drank tons of water, ate way more fruits and veggies than I ever have before, took yoga classes and walked on the treadmill and joyfully complained to my husband about my sore, swollen boobs.  The morning we were set to leave for Minnesota for Thanksgiving I woke up and felt funny.  Not bad, not sick, just...void.  I texted Nate that I was worried I was no longer pregnant, and he soothed my fears.  I was doing everything right, I was taking care of myself and well, my one big pregnancy symptom (sore boobs) was still there.  I relaxed.  We spent our weekend in Minnesota telling immediate family about our news and everyone was thrilled.  It was incredible to see and feel their reactions, to know that this little baby was going to be so loved. 

But just as quickly as the baby came into our lives, she was gone.  I woke up Monday morning to bleeding and cramping and spent Tuesday morning with an angel doctor (seriously, the man was incredible) reminding me gently that this was not my fault.  That based on hormone levels it had likely happened sometime in the past week (there is something to be said for my intuition!)  I was sad but walking into the doctor that morning I knew what was going on.  Nate and I cried for hours as I sat in pain.  I felt ok after a while.  I thought I was going to be able to get through this just fine.  But I wasn't fine.  I was sad.  Deeply sad. I never really knew how badly I wanted a baby until she stopped existing in my belly.  I don't know if it is the bitter cold we've experienced so far this winter or that its just that time of year, but I can't seem to shake the heavy.  And so yesterday, on the first day of a new year, when it snowed morning to night (through morning and now still), I sat down and thought about how to work through this dark time.  Who do I want to be and how do I accomplish that in 2014?  I read a blog today where a woman described her goals for 2014 as intentions rather than resolutions and I like that, as it affords a certain "giving oneself a break" mentality rather than something so, well, resolute.  Short story long, here are my 2014 Intentions:

1. Take care of me.  I always feel better when I treat myself better so for me this means: Eat more fruits and vegetables and less processed foods.  Drink water. Continue and increase my Pilates and yoga practices.  Start back up with cardio.  Get plenty of rest.  Avoid binges of anything: food, alcohol, unhealthy activities.  Stick with activities that make me more peaceful (sewing, yoga, baking, etc).  Give myself a break.

2. Be a good wife.  Continue to evolve in this partnership with Nate that we have spent the past 7 1/2 years growing.  Support him, challenge him and maybe watch the Ewok movie with him. Maybe.

3. Documenting, whether that is writing in this blog, taking more photos, listening, or being in tune with life around me rather than being sucked up in technology and distractions.  Being present will only benefit me and my relationships.

4.  Challenge myself with classes, books, exercises, ideas and people.  Work through frustrations rather than walking away. 

5. Appreciate everything.  The short sweet time I spent pregnant taught me to appreciate what I have in my life.  Life is far too short to spend it being bitter, angry, distracted or lost.  It is important to grieve and process that appropriately but it is equally important for me to not let the weight of things I cannot control hold me back from living my life. 

I hope you all have a positive experience with your intentions.  Here's to the journey.