If that's not a question that goes deeper than you realize, I don't know what is. The past two weeks have been an absolute whirlwind of highs and lows...really, particularly bad lows.
My brain has this uncanny ability to subconsciously steer me into a trainwreck around anniversaries of bad events. The latest was one that hadn't even crossed my mind until I started writing this blog post. Exactly 12 years ago something awful happened after being out one night with friends. It was unequivocally the worst day of my life and propelled into basically a 2 year not-so-graceful tightrope walk veering over into the side of depression. I think I have gotten through it and then other life events will happen and without question, mid March I find myself in a booze fueled trip to crazy town. Monday (St. Patrick's Day and one of my closest friend's birthday) I found myself going out to lunch to have a beer, which turned into drinks, which turned into shots, which turned into two straight hours of blackout before finding myself back at my apartment after a 50 dollar cab ride. Unacceptable on so many levels, including (but not limited to): pissing off my husband so bad that he actually left me in the city because he couldn't reason with his blacked out wife, showing up at another friend's house and she basically kicked me out because she knew I had to go to MN the next day, drunkenly packing for a 6:30 am flight the next morning, and waking up at 5:30 AM for said flight the next day. I barely made it on the plane and spent the next (several) days not only trying to rid myself of a terrible cold, but the terrible, post drinking blues. The "what the hell am I doing with my life" blues.
I've used alcohol as a crutch through tough times before but this time was different. This time I didn't even know it was a tough time and I was just spiraling. Its just unacceptable and scary (not just for me but for Nate) and I wonder why I let myself hit bottom without actually dealing with what is bothering me.
So it was more than time for me to put my big girl pants on this morning, get into work, get back in my routine and look up a therapist. Its time to live up to my intentions of taking care of myself and my life. I'll keep you updated on this progress.
*sidenote/WW update: that, at least, has been going well! I am down 9 pounds so far and have 8 more to reach my target weight. Hopefully by the time it actually feels like spring outside (SERIOUSLY SPRING WHERE ARE YOU?!) I will have hit this goal. I have cute white pants to wear, after all*
